Let me set the stage for you. I am 20 years old, nearly 21 and I live in an apartment with my best friend and my non-biological son, but I treat him like he was my own. My girlfriend/fiance is in rehab, and I am a stay at home dad who does the homey things while my friend Geoff works and pays the rent and some of the utilities until Diane is out of rehab.
Aside from taking care of the house and my son Randall, I am also doing my college work online, and working part-time at a gas station during the graveyard shit to help pay my part of the utilities and to pay for Diane’s rehab, so I have little free time. And I don’t care. All that cares to me is Diane and my boy, and their well-being.
I should tell a little back story about my situation though. I was born Jason Daniels on June 5, 1987 in St. Fredricksburg, Illinois. From Kindergarten, Geoff Thatcher and I were un-seperable in everything we did. That is until fourth grade, at least. That’s when Diane Evans came into our lives. She became our third Musketeer, doing everything that Geoff and I did. Then along comes middle school, and that’s when everything starts to change.
Geoff got major into sports but never got into the “jock” state-of-mind, while I got more into the academics and arts. Diane, however, started hanging out with the ones that usually make your middle school years the toughest of your lives. The three of us still hung out, but we Geoff and I could feel that something was off with Diane. We never brought it up, but it was very noticeable. Her hair was not as pretty as it used to be, and her usually perfect appearance was becoming more and more unkempt. Still, Geoff and I said nothing because her personality we grew up with was still there, and that personality is what attracted me to her in the first place.
This continued into high school, and by that time, Geoff and I had figured out what was going on. Diane, the first girl I had ever fallen for, and still did despite this, had fallen into habitual drug use, and it wasn’t marijuana. Diane had gotten into the hard stuff, mainly heroin. Geoff and I were dumbstruck. The girl we grew up with, the one who would play Army with us and we would do tea parties with in return, was now a druggie.
And yet we did nothing. The three of us still did our weekend hang outs, but the tone had changed. She would disappear periodically for about five minutes and return with a glossy-eyed look and a careless whim about her. This kept up until our Sophomore year, when Geoff and I decided to intervene.
We cut her off one Thursday about a week before finals and confronted her over the drug use. That did not go down well. Some words were exchanged, and she stormed away from us in tears, which both Geoff and I were struggling to keep back as well. I was hit the hardest though. I still had feelings for her despite everything that had transpired those past five years, and I shared this with Geoff, who was dating his current fiance at the time. Both of us vowed right there that, no matter what comes, we will always watch out for each other, and if Diane ever needed anything, we would be there.
Junior year rolls around. Geoff is on the championship football and basketball teams, and I am on three separate choirs of excellence. All the meanwhile, we still watch over Diane. She’s still on the drugs, but is going out with a guy both Geoff and I knew, Brett Linch. Both of us hoped he might be able to clean her up better than we did. He was student body President, after all. As we would come to find out later, we could never have been more wrong.
Graduation is coming up quickly now. Geoff and I still are possibly the two best best friends ever. We still watch over Diane periodically now, but it is in the back of our minds for the time being, since all we can think about is out Senior Trip/Spring Break that is coming up. And, unfortunately, this is where it all starts to go bad for Diane.
Finals week has hit us. Geoff and his girlfriend Natalie have a fallout, but they remain together, showing how strong they have become together. I get all of my finals done early for a choir trip to DC to perform, and I convince Geoff to do the same, because what are friends for? It is around this time that Diane comes up to us. Brett is not the nice guy we thought he was. In fact, he is the entire reason for all of this.
Brett has been her dealer ever since eighth grade. Diane got hooked because of this guy. He offered her cheap deals for the fix he knew she would be needing, meanwhile he makes all kinds of money and becomes a sort of idol in her eyes. Then, around mid-year in tenth grade, she starts needing more and more, addiction setting in hard. She doesn’t have the money she needs to get her fix, and Brett knows this, making a “tab” for her. Then, her money runs dry, and Brett wants his money.
She decides to do the one thing she can do: sell herself for drugs. She becomes Brett’s private prostitute in return for her daily fix of the “good stuff.” And because of this, she gets a false feeling of love toward Brett, leading to their going out Junior year. This continued until Finals week of our Senior year, a few days before Geoff and I were to head off to DC.
The entire time she has been a slave for Brett, they would always use condoms and the like. That was a ground rule she said she had set when the “deal had been created between us.” Brett agreed. In exchange for the “safe sex,” she got her fix, and all was well until the Spring Break parties. She was passed around like a controller at a LAN party, guy to guy. The guys were mostly good sports, using protection and being caring of her during their “turn.” Except for Brett, that is. During his turn, he was unprotected, and the inevitable happened. She and Brett had conceived the one time they ignored the condom rule.
When she told us this story, she was in tears the entire time. Geoff and I were at a loss for words. All I could think to do at the time was to hug her and let her know that even after all this time, we were still there. She looks up into my eyes, and I will never forget that look. In her eyes, I saw the girl I had grown up with, and the young woman I had fallen for those years ago, trying to escape what had been troubling her for the past five years. I looked over to Geoff, and he instantly knew what was on my mind.
“We’re not going to DC, Jason. We’re going to stay here, and we’re going to put those five years behind us.”
“I know. I’m going to make this right. And we will do it right.”
And so began the hardest eight months of our lives. Diane decided to stay off of the Heroin for the baby, and I would be there 24/7 for her. Only time I wasn’t by her side during the entire eight months was our Graduation ceremony. She had dropped out, but was sitting in the stands with my parents for support until the ceremony was over. Whatever she needed, I was there.
December of that year, Randall Michael Evens is born. However, it is not the happiness we were expecting. Diane relapses shortly after the birth, and hits the heroin harder than ever before. By this time, Geoff, Diane, and I are living together outside of town in a town house apartment while he waits for Natalie to graduate. Diane and I are somewhat dating, I help take care of Randall and I help her when she starts having problems. One morning, I wake up and she’s gone, thinking she’s not the mother she should be. Geoff and I are worried, and start searching for her.
We return to the house hours later having no luck. Both of us are worried sick. We keep searching for a few weeks, but to no avail. Five long, painful months later, we hear from her. She’s back with Brett, back doing the same thing we saved her from just over a year ago. She’s crying as she’s talking to me over the phone. Brett’s new obsession with her has been to beat her into submission and then do his business. She needs help, and I’m the first one she thought of.
Geoff and I get in my car and head over to the address she gave us, wondering if Brett was there waiting for us. Fortunately, he wasn’t. We bust in and get Diane the hell out of there and rush her to the ER. The outlook isn’t good at first. She’s got a few broken ribs, and she shows signs of rape and torture on her wrists and ankles. And, in addition to this, she shows signs of advanced heroin addiction and is a psychological mess.
Nevertheless, I stay by her side in the hospital, hopeful for her recovery, even though I know she will never be one hundred percent healed. You can’t cure memories. But through all of this, she is strong willed and determined to be there for Randall. She desperately wants to change, but is afraid that it will all be for nothing. She’s afraid that I will abandon her.
“Whatever happens,” I say to her, “I will always be there for you. I have cared about you since seventh grade. Why stop now?”
She just looks into my eyes, and I see the same little girl I fell in love with start to come out as she bursts into tears. I lean over to her, and she cries into my shoulder for what seems hours, and I am there the entire time, being the shoulder she has needed for so long and has never gotten. She looks up to me after and asks, “Will you be there for Randall as well?”
“I will treat him like he is my own. In my mind, he is my own. I will always think of him as ‘My Son’.”
Fast forward to a few months ago. Diane is out of the hospital with a clean bill of health. At the urging of the doctor, she checks into Rehab. Because of how long it has been, she’ll be in rehab a few months. The day before she starts rehab, we have our first official date, a day at the County Fair with Randall, and we double date with Geoff and Natalie. It’s one of the greatest days that I can remember. I’m with the love of my life, my son, my best friend, and the love of his life. The entire day, the thought of the next day never entered our minds.
I will never forget the look on Diane’s face that day for as long as I live. That look of being a kid again, surrounded by your best friends in the entire world, not having a care in the world. It reminded me of what life was all about, and why I’ve been by Diane’s side this entire time. The next day is a somber day for all of us. Diane and I embrace for what feels like hours, before we finally stare into each other’s eyes one last time before she walks through that door, to become the woman she always wanted to be.
And that brings me to today. Standing at the altar, looking down the aisle, waiting for my bride-to-be to round the corner, and begin a new phase in our lives. One that, I hope, will be filled with happiness and fun. There’s been enough despair in this life.
Delusions of a Mad Man 